Teenagers who attend our youth groups do terrible things. They commit suicide. They attack their peers or family members. They starve themselves or cut themselves or simply give up on their dreams. We are the Church. Why on earth would kids who are in our groups not find love and joy and peace in Christ?

The truth is that teenagers today live in a world that has compounded stressors and many of them simply cave into the pressure. Some are abused. Some are neglected. Some are so afraid to disappoint their parents that they can’t cope.

How do you recognize kids who are hurting? Obviously this little newsletter entry can’t provide a final answer to that question, but let me make a few suggestions. If other ideas occur to you as you read, please add them as comments to this article.

1. Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Many students hunger to share the pain they feel with someone who really cares, but they aren’t sure anyone really does. They don’t want to be a “bother.” Often students will test the waters. When you ask, “How is your life?” they will look down, shrug, and say, “Okay.” Their body language may be saying, “It’s not very good, but I’m not sure you really want to know that.” A response like, “Sounds like things are tough right now” gives students a chance to talk. It says, I picked up on the cues and if you want to talk to me, I want to listen.
2. Pay attention to mood swings. It’s true, all students have crazy mood swings. However, when a kid that is usually happy becomes sullen and it seems to last for a while, find out what’s going on. Similarly, if a kid who is usually quiet becomes suddenly boisterous, pay attention. These major mood swings can be indicators that something is wrong.
3. Notice significant changes in students appearance. Students bodies are changing rapidly. But when a student loses a lot of weight suddenly, talk to their parents. This could indicate a growth spurt or an intentional change in eating habits. Or it could indicate an eating disorder. If a student starts showing up with a lot of bruises, pay attention. It could indicate abuse or could be an indicator of an illness. Or it could mean they have been wrestling with their brother.

Some youth leaders are afraid to ask students what’s going on when they see them acting differently. Trust that if the student doesn’t want to share with you, he or she won’t. Open the door for students to share their frustrations, pains, and hurts. Sometimes what they need the most is someone who cares enough to listen.

Paul Kelly teaches youth ministry and educational leadership at Golden Gate Baptist Seminary. He is the President and Founder of SmallYouthGroup.com.