Adolescents are developing into the people they will be as adults. It can be a frustrating passage for adolescents . . . and for adults who work closely with them. In a large church, emotional outbursts may not disrupt the entire group, but the raw feelings that are so much a part of adolescents can really derail a study or event in a small youth group. Have you ever had anything like this happen?

You are sitting in church devotionals at the end of camp with your band of students. The students are sharing ways they experienced God during the day. Suddenly one of the younger girls bursts into tears and runs out of the room. Everyone sits in stunned silence. Later you get a chance to talk to her one-on-one. Her eyes water again as she begins to tell you how she really likes an older boy in the youth group. Right before devotions, she claims he looked at her like he wished she was dead. “I just couldn’t take it,” she explains. You talk to the young man. He has no idea what you are talking about, but he doesn’t want the girl to think he doesn’t care about her so he goes to apologize.

Emotions in teenagers are driven by hormones. The rapid changes in their bodies often lead them to respond with extreme feelings. Teenagers are seldom just happy . . . they are DELIRIOUSLY OVERJOYED. Teenagers can fly into a rage with a minor annoyance. And a wrong look can send them into depression.

In describing the developmental tasks of adolescence, Robert Havighurst suggests that, during their teenage years, teenagers should achieve emotional independence. The goal is not for teenagers to lose the need for any emotional support. None of us ever really achieve that, nor should we. Rather the goal is for teenagers to learn how to manage their emotions so that their emotions don’t control their lives.

So, how do you help the youth you work with to move toward emotional independence?

First, realize that “emotional roller coasters” are a part of growing up. Don’t over-react when a teenager responds to you angrily or with tears. Accept them as they are now.

Second, give teenagers permission to feel. Tell them that, when it seems like someone is snubbing you, it makes sense to feel hurt. When someone does something mean to you, you should feel anger.

Third, teach them the importance of “self-talk.” It is often not the situation but rather what we tell ourselves about the situation that leads to strong negative emotion. Don’t tell yourself: He looked at me in a nasty way; he must hate me. Instead, tell yourself: He seemed to look at me in a nasty way, but we are friends so he probably didn’t mean anything by it. I think I’ll ask him later if there is a problem.

Finally, encourage teenagers to carry their frustrations, hurts, and anxieties to God. He loves them and cares deeply about what they feel.