Relationships

What do you want to be when you grow up? It’s a question adults often ask children. My nephew consistently says he wants to be a Power Ranger. So, my brother is putting money away for Power Ranger School. Not sure what that costs. Increasingly, the same question is being asked of college students . . . and 20-somethings . . . and 40 somethings. A lot of us seem to wander through our lives with no sense of what we want to be. Robert J. Havighurst said that one of the developmental tasks of adolescence is selecting and preparing for an occupation. How do we help teenagers do that?

Our culture has changed and very few of us will hold one job all of our lives. Some teenagers are choosing not to go to college because they believe any vocation they prepared for would just be a stop in life for a few years before they went on to the next vocation. Many companies hire people for jobs that never existed before and then train them to do the job once they start. Choosing an occupation may be a more difficult task for your students than simply deciding they want to be doctors or firemen or preachers.

When I was graduating from high school, my pastor told me something I’ve come to believe was very wise. “Paul, God’s call is dynamic,” he said. “God may lead you on many paths. Your calling is not to a job, but to obedience to Christ.” I have found that to be true. After spending 8 years preparing for ministry in college and seminary, I was a local church youth minister for 10 years. I have served as a consultant in youth discipleship, a youth camp coordinator, an editor of youth ministry resources, and now teach youth ministry and educational leadership at a seminary. I could never have anticipated the path my life would take, but I believe God has led me to each shift in my vocation.

We don’t help teenagers develop their occupational focus by focusing on occupations. As odd as it sounds, I am not that concerned about whether a teenager wants to be a nurse, a foreign correspondent, or an entrepreneur. My concern is that they are passionately pursuing what they believe God has called them to do and be. How do we help youth choose and prepare for an occupation?

1. Help them to see that their highest calling is following God.

2. Join them in praying for what direction God is calling them to follow.

3. Lead them to identify their God-given gifts and talents. Help them explore what they are truly passionate about.

4. Encourage them to focus on the legacy they will leave with their lives, not the stuff they will accumulate.

5. Talk to them about choices they make now that will lead them toward the occupation (or many occupations) that seem to be God’s current direction for them. Encourage them to explore colleges that will equip them for the future, work experience that will help them to learn needed skills, and networks that will help them to find the right kind of positions.

6. Affirm the gifts you see in them. Often teenagers are hesitant to pursue big dreams for fear of failure. Help them to trust God to lead them into amazing ventures.

Youth ministry is all about helping teenagers to develop a passionate, life-long relationship with Christ. Being willing to walk with them through some of the developmental tasks can be great ways to guide them toward that goal.

Wherever you look in the media . . . television, movies, the Internet . . . you will find adults who are acting out the current stereotypes of adolescence: the mook and the midriff. Teenage guys love watching shows that feature the mook. He is immature, gross, and wiling to try almost anything. He lacks any moral center and laughs at any criticism. Is that really the way teenage guys act? Like most stereotypes, it is over-done and hardly captures the real heart of the people it lumps together.

Teenage girls are not usually interested in the mook, but they have their own stereotypical star . . . the midriff. She is very aware of her own sexuality at ever earlier ages and uses it to attract attention and get what she wants. Midriffs don’t need to be smart or athletic or capable . . . just pretty.

According to Robert Havighurst, one of the tasks of adolescent development is to learn how to develop appropriate relationships with both sexes. The images our culture provides for students of what relationships are supposed to look like are shocking in their lack of honesty . . . and fall far from the human relationships found in the Bible.

Guys need healthy relationships with guys. If you pay attention to television, most relationships between guys involve guzzling beer together, oogling girls, and playing practical jokes on one another. Okay, maybe an occasional practical joke isn’t too bad, but this is hardly the way the Bible describes the relationships among young men. The Bible calls men to “sharpen” each other, to push each other to be stronger in faith and truer in character (Proverbs 27:17).

Girls need healthy relationships with girls. Too often girls see their relationships with other girls as competition for the attention of a young man. A girl in my youth group once threatened a visiting girl never to come back because the rival attracted too much attention for herself. Girls need to understand their great value in God’s eyes and find support and encouragement from other girls rather than seeing competition.

Guys need healthy relationships with girls. While this certainly means that relationships need to be pure in the sexual sense, I think a healthy guy/girl relationship goes beyond that. Guys need to learn to understand life from a girl’s perspective and girls need to see things through a guy’s eyes. Relationships should develop into a warm brother/sister relationship in which the guy feels protective of his sisters and the girl wants the very best for her brothers.

So, how do we foster this kind of relational maturity among our youth groups? Small youth groups are great places for teenagers to really learn to talk, to care for each other, and to sharpen each other. Discuss what a healthy guy/guy, guy/girl, and girl/girl relationship looks like. Help teenagers to see that it is okay if girls tend to relate to each other face to face while guys tend to relate side to side. Lead students to make your youth ministry a place where people feel safe and protected and where they can practice building solid relationships with both sexes. Pray that God will break down pretenses and help your students to interact with grace and honesty.

The holiday season is a time of incredible joy. Between special events at church, families spending more time together, and the general sense of celebration in communities, Christmas takes on a very special place in the hearts of youth and adults. But Christmas may not be a great time for everyone. Christmas can be a time of serious depression. Some reports indicate that suicides increase during the holidays. And substance abuse may increase as well. Why?

Christmas can be a time of difficulty for a lot of youth. Some teenagers may associate Christmas with the loss of a grandparent, a parent, or someone else who is close to him or her. Christmas may be a reminder of the absence of someone they held dear. Because some teenagers lack the cognitive skills to process their loss, emotions may be overwhelming.

Some teenagers lack close ties with their family. They may desire to feel surrounded by the love of family, but find themselves in a home where they are abused—or worse yet, ignored. Single parent families can be lonely places for some teens during the holidays because the single mom or dad works extra hours to try to provide a special meal and presents for children. If the family has gone through a divorce in recent years, Christmas may accentuate the sense of loss the teenager feels at the fracturing of his or her family.

If you know that teenagers in your group have lost someone recently, or have lost someone around the holiday times, ask them how they are coping with the loss. Don’t try to force them to talk about things they don’t want to, but invite them to talk about their feelings of frustration, loss, and pain. If you know one of your students has a challenging family situation, spend a little extra time with him or her during the holidays. Talk about how to build new Christmas memories and new traditions each year.

Pay attention to the moods of the teenagers in your group. Yes, teenagers are usually moody. But if a teenager who is usually happy seems to grow sullen, or if a teenager who is often quiet suddenly stops showing up, find some ways to offer him or her support.

As your group celebrates Christmas with progressive dinners, gift exchanges, angel tree gifts, or food baskets for needy families, keep in mind that for some of your students, Christmas is a time when they need special love and attention.

We used to act like it was good enough to get teenagers to show up at church. At least if they were at our church lock-in, they weren’t at a beer party. For most of us, that is not enough. We know that real ministry with youth involves a deep relationship with a caring adult that points a young person to a deep relationship with God. We are believers in relational youth ministry. I just read Richard Ross’ new book, Student Ministry and the Supremacy of Christ. He challenges what most folks teach as relational youth ministry . . . and I think you will be interested in what he has to say.

The traditional approach to relational youth ministry is one-to-one ministry. It involves you, as a caring youth minister, investing in the life of a student. Not bad, huh? But the truth is, you cannot give students everything they need in terms of spiritual mentoring. Even if you had a youth group of one, you simply aren’t enough.

Ross has suggested that we look at youth ministry as a five-to-one relational ministry. Every teenager needs at least five adults who are pouring themselves into his life, pointing her to the Savior. Yes, you are one of those people. As a youth leader, your investment in the lives of teenagers is very valuable. However, they also need two parents who invest in their spiritual development. (Yes, many of our teenagers are lacking a parent . . . or two . . . with the spiritual heart to guide their teenage children. But finding ways to help parents to accept their role as disciplers of their teenagers is a huge issue.)

The fourth relationship the teenager needs, according to Ross, is a relationship with a small group leader. I know, for many of us in the small church, we are both small group leader AND youth minister. Maybe it’s time we increase our tent and find other adults who are willing to pour their lives into teenagers.

The fifth relationship Ross recommends is a prayer mentor. Every teenager needs at least one adult in the church . . . someone other than his Bible study leader, his parent, or his youth minister, that prays daily for him or her. As Ross points out, prayer has a way of weaving our hearts together so that a prayer mentor will likely become a deep adult friend for most teenagers.

Richard Ross has a number of suggestions for implementing THIS kind of relational youth ministry. Check out his new book.

A lot of discussion in youth ministry these days surrounds the role of family. Excellent topic. Some suggest that if parents do their job in raising their youth to follow Christ, no reason would exist for doing youth ministry. Youth leaders have often taken the role I believe God gave to parents as the primary discipler of young people. However, the idea that youth ministry would be unnecessary if parents took up that role is a significant misunderstanding of the role of youth ministry in the church.

In his book, Passing on the Faith, Merton Strommen suggests four roles the church must fulfill if parents hope to do the job of discipling their teenagers.

First, the church must provide training, support, and resources to parents as they lead their families. Small churches may be overwhelmed with the task. Small group leaders of adults may be able to help. If they have experience in discipling their own teenagers they can share their experiences. Certainly they can share biblical truths. Pastors can teach parents about their role and responsibility in discipling their teenagers. However, many leaders of adults are as puzzled by the activities and attitudes of young people as the parents themselves. As youth leaders, we add an important dimension to the discussion. We are (or should be) students of youth culture and adolescent development. We have developed strategies and skills for communicating God’s truth to teenagers. We need to share the things we are learning with parents. We function like cultural missionaries who study the culture we are trying to reach and then suggest strategies to those who will do the parents who will do the hard work of daily ministry with adolescents.

Second, the church must provide an extended family for teenagers. The role of the youth leader is not the same as the parent. However, we can and should become spiritual aunts and uncles, older siblings in Christ, and even spiritual grandparents. While the church has always been a faith family, that dynamic has never been more greatly needed than it is in the American church today. Few families live close to extended family. And often the extended family teenagers spend time with lack the spiritual commitment of the teenager and his family.Teenagers should find faith family in the church regardless of how well or how poorly their parents live out a commitment to God at home.

Third, the church must provide a consistent, comprehensive approach to Bible study for young adults. We fail at this task when our Bible studies become more like 1960’s rap sessions. Lots of good feelings are fostered, but teenagers leave as unequipped to live out the call of God as when they entered. Yes, students need to study the Bible with their parents at home, however the church has a responsibility to provide a solid understanding of the story of Scripture for teenagers.

Fourth, the church must provide an alternative peer group that will reinforce their faith. Parents are the strongest long-term influence on the lives of teenagers today. However, to say that their peer group does not exert a significant influence on teenagers is to approach youth culture with incredible naivete. Teenagers are much more likely to fall prey to the temptations that plague youth culture in this country when they are surrounded by peers who have no spiritual background. Teenagers are developing in their ability to understand, apply, and lead related to spiritual truth. When they lack friends who are also struggling to make the right decisions, failure is more likely. In youth ministry, we don’t do activities simply to entertain teenagers. We do activities to develop strong friendships among teenagers, friendships that are founded on experiences with the Almighty God. Youth ministry can fail at this task and be just another place for kids to get in trouble. But the failure of youth ministry in some churches hardly means we should ignore the need.

If parents would do their job, would we need youth ministry? Yes. In fact, I would argue that youth ministers cannot adequately focus on our job unless parents do their.

Several years ago, a friend cut his hand badly. I took him to the hospital to have it sewed up. However, when I arrived at the hospital, I ran into the father of a member of my youth group. He seemed relieved I was there and explained that his son had overdosed on prescription drugs. He had rushed the young man to the emergency room and hospital personnel were pouring charcoal down his throat. I spent a few minutes praying with the father and then was allowed to go see the young man. He was scared, throwing up, and disoriented.

Most of us sign up for youth ministry because we want to help teenagers fall in love with God. The idea of dealing with crisis is seldom what motivates us to get involved. However, if you work with teenagers (or adults for that matter) long enough, you will encounter crisis situations. How do you deal with those times? How do you help a teenager in crisis?

While I can’t offer a total answer to that question in this article (and would not be the best person to do that in any case), let me offer a few suggestions.

• Involve the parents. If you discover that a teenager is in a crisis and his or her parents don’t know, tell them. Unless the parents is the source of the crisis, they need to know . . . even if the teenager doesn’t want them to.
• Get help. It will probably be irresponsible for you to talk to church friends about the crisis, but find someone who can help. Involve your pastor, a school counselor, or a local physician. Ask the family to let you involve someone who can help with the situation.
• Be present. Most of the time, you should not sacrifice your family, your job, or your personal devotional time for your ministry. However, when crisis grips one of the teenagers in your care (suicide attempt, drug overdose, rape, death of a family member, and so forth) make the time to be with the student. Your presence will mean more than anything else you can do or say.
• Be supportive. The moment of crisis is not the time to confront the bad behavior that may have put the teenager in danger. Let them know that you love them and want to help.
• Bring the presence of Christ into the crisis. Tell the student and his/her family that you are praying for them. If they will let you, voice prayer for God’s presence and care in the situation.

A teenager in crisis may try to shrug off the fact that their life has been turned upside down. They may want to pretend the crisis has not happened or that it is not that bad. Stay with them. Get them help. Make sure they are taken care of.

Dealing with crisis is never fun. But God can use you in significant ways when crises arrive.

Teenagers who attend our youth groups do terrible things. They commit suicide. They attack their peers or family members. They starve themselves or cut themselves or simply give up on their dreams. We are the Church. Why on earth would kids who are in our groups not find love and joy and peace in Christ?

The truth is that teenagers today live in a world that has compounded stressors and many of them simply cave into the pressure. Some are abused. Some are neglected. Some are so afraid to disappoint their parents that they can’t cope.

How do you recognize kids who are hurting? Obviously this little newsletter entry can’t provide a final answer to that question, but let me make a few suggestions. If other ideas occur to you as you read, please add them as comments to this article.

1. Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Many students hunger to share the pain they feel with someone who really cares, but they aren’t sure anyone really does. They don’t want to be a “bother.” Often students will test the waters. When you ask, “How is your life?” they will look down, shrug, and say, “Okay.” Their body language may be saying, “It’s not very good, but I’m not sure you really want to know that.” A response like, “Sounds like things are tough right now” gives students a chance to talk. It says, I picked up on the cues and if you want to talk to me, I want to listen.
2. Pay attention to mood swings. It’s true, all students have crazy mood swings. However, when a kid that is usually happy becomes sullen and it seems to last for a while, find out what’s going on. Similarly, if a kid who is usually quiet becomes suddenly boisterous, pay attention. These major mood swings can be indicators that something is wrong.
3. Notice significant changes in students appearance. Students bodies are changing rapidly. But when a student loses a lot of weight suddenly, talk to their parents. This could indicate a growth spurt or an intentional change in eating habits. Or it could indicate an eating disorder. If a student starts showing up with a lot of bruises, pay attention. It could indicate abuse or could be an indicator of an illness. Or it could mean they have been wrestling with their brother.

Some youth leaders are afraid to ask students what’s going on when they see them acting differently. Trust that if the student doesn’t want to share with you, he or she won’t. Open the door for students to share their frustrations, pains, and hurts. Sometimes what they need the most is someone who cares enough to listen.

Paul Kelly teaches youth ministry and educational leadership at Golden Gate Baptist Seminary. He is the President and Founder of SmallYouthGroup.com.

In a lot of small churches, building a youth ministry starts with a handful of middle schoolers. The ministry may not take off because of the lack of interest of the younger teenagers. Getting middle schoolers to show up at Bible study, participate in a project, or even attend camp may be a challenge. So, if your group is mostly middle schoolers, how do you do real youth ministry?

I think middle schoolers are great. Okay, keep laughing, but it’s true. They love being together. Almost anything can capture their attention, though it probably won’t hold their attention for long. And they will do almost any crazy thing you can come up with. Their brains are developing rapidly. One minute, they can show amazing insight and the next they could be experimenting to see how chili powder would taste on ice cream. What could be greater than that?

So, how do you build a ministry that works for them?

1. Always expect disruptions. It may happen when one of them passes gas or it may be the distraction of someone noticing a caterpillar, but whatever you do will be disrupted. You can yell at them to pay attention if you want, but you will make a lot more progress if you will make a joke about it and then say, “As I was saying . . . “
2. Don’t expect to keep their attention for longer than 10 minutes with anything. A Bible study that changes activities–maybe even locations–five or six times in an hour will be more junior high friendly than one that invites them into an hour long discussion.
3. Don’t just tell them; show them. Middle schoolers sometimes have a hard time grasping concepts. Help them to see how those concepts fleshed out.
4. Don’t just tell them; let them try it. Middle schoolers will learn more from doing than from watching. Short video clips are great, but give them a chance to get their hands on an idea.
5. The more they laugh, the more they learn. Okay, I guess it depends on what they are laughing about, but middle school ministry that is humor-less loses points with middle schoolers quickly. Tell some funny stories. Invent some crazy games. Use exaggeration and hyperbole . . . they are just starting to really get that stuff.

The big problem with Middle school ministry that reaches middle schoolers is that it probably won’t reach much of anyone else. Since you probably have middle schoolers and high schoolers together, you are going to have a challenge. You have some choices:

1. Reach the middle schooler and build a high school ministry as they grow up. If you have a few high schoolers, ask them to lead games, tell stories, and be leaders.
2. Focus on your high schoolers and hope your middle schoolers will come because they think the high schoolers are cool. Since middle schoolers think almost any high schooler is cool, this can work. It helps a lot of your high schoolers actually talk to your middle schoolers.
3. Provide some activities where you target high schoolers and some where you target middle schoolers. This works well, but it depends on having enough leaders and enough students to make both kinds of activities work.

Regardless of which approach you take, don’t expect middle schoolers to be like their older peers. Look for ways to challenge their curiosity and feed their hunger for humor.

I remember sitting in this 7th grade speech class. The class only lasted about nine weeks. It was pass/fail. And all we had to do to pass the class was present an acceptable speech to the class. The teacher spent our class time explaining how to come up with a topic, how to prepare a speech, and how to present it. Then, it came time to give our speeches. The summer before, my grandmother had taught me how to make ceramics, so I had planned a speech that explained how to make a ceramic dish. As the time for my speech drew near, I listened to one classmate after another say he or she hadn’t prepared a speech. The teacher reminded us that we would fail the class unless we presented a speech. When she called my name, I froze. It took me a minute to say anything. Finally I said, “I don’t have a speech.” It was the only class I ever failed. To make it more ironic, I ended up majoring in Speech Communications in college. Why do I share this story? As I was thinking about this experience, I suddenly recalled some of the fears of being a middle schooler. Maybe those of us in youth leadership need to stay in touch with those kinds of experiences.

Why didn’t I give the speech? I can remember two reasons.

First, I didn’t think what I had done was good enough. When I compared my simple efforts to the research some of my classmates had done, I realized that my speech was not going to be nearly as good. I think this is a common experience for younger teenagers. They often lack confidence that their efforts will be acceptable. They may not want to answer a question you ask in Bible study because they are afraid their answers will be wrong . . . or worse, stupid. They hesitate to share the Gospel with a friend because they are afraid they will mess it up, get it all wrong, look stupid. How do we address those insecurities with younger youth? Take things slow. Don’t stress if a middle schooler doesn’t answer a simple Bible question right away. Ask some yes/no questions. Lead them to the answer slowly. Then, affirm them for their answers. Don’t flatter them. They will see through hollow flattery. Look for things they do well and affirm them for those things. Let them watch you do new things before you ask them to try it. Admit that you sometimes fail and help them to see you comfortable with times you mess up.

The second reason I didn’t give my speech in that 7th grade class was that I was afraid other students would make fun of me. The teacher would have kept students from making cruel jokes at my expense while we were in class, but I would have been at the mercy of my buddies . . . and worse, the kids who didn’t like me . . . in the hallways and bathrooms and lunch room. Sometimes you will see a young teenager who is comfortable with the group and talks openly in class suddenly clam up when a visitor he knows from school shows up. He may be afraid of ridicule. The truth is, the fear is probably not without reason. Younger teenagers can be cruel with each other. How do you deal with that? I think the best thing you can do is understand. Don’t insist that students have the courage to speak up in class or participate in the drama. Give them time to develop the courage on their own. Be careful that you don’t ask them to do things that will be too much of a risk. When I ask students to do drama, I usually try to set it up as a stupid situation that allows them to act as goofy as they want. Oddly enough, younger youth almost never get ridiculed for acting goofy. They are more likely to get ridiculed for being serious.

Younger youth will grow by taking risks. I probably would have learned something about courage by doing my ceramics speech (although it would have robbed me of the opportunity to write this article). We need to encourage students to do hard things. But even as we do that, we need to be aware of the world of younger adolescents. Challenge them, but let them try new things a little at a time. And keep believing in them when they back out the first couple of times they are asked to try something hard. Raise the bar for them, but help them to find the steps to get over it.

Building relationships is essential to effective youth ministry . . . especially in a small church. However, simply having positive relationships with teenagers isn’t enough. Teenagers need adults to invest in their lives. For effective youth ministry, we need to be investing in the spiritual growth of teenagers.

Developing a discipling relationship with a teenager means that you allow them to see Christ at work in your life. (Of course, this means that you have to be engaged in a growing relationship with God yourself.) Teenagers need to listen to how you talk about your relationship with God. They need to know how you go about solving problems as a Christ follower. They need to know how you deal with temptations, and what you do when you fail. In short, teenagers need an example of what a real relationship with Christ looks like.

Developing a discipling relationship with teenagers won’t happen if you give up your position as an adult leader in order to be a friend to your students. Yes, develop friendships with youth, but you can’t become their peer. They need for you to set limits, help them to know what is expected of them . . and why. As teenagers age and develop maturity, your relationship with them will change. You will have to set and enforce rules with younger youth. Most of the time, older teenagers will respond better to a call to be an example of Christ. It is also true that you can’t joke, play games, and tease youth and still be an adult. But, don’t give up your role as an adult if you want to have a relationship that leads youth to spiritual growth.

Developing a discipling relationship with teenagers involves speaking truth into their lives. Teenagers need to hear you tell them what it will take for them to live godly lives. Teaching them in structured times is important, but it may be even more important to talk to youth about spiritual issues when you can talk to one or two students. Don’t fall into the trap of only addressing things they need to avoid. Talk to them about how to use their gifts to make a difference.

Developing a disciping relationship with teenagers means being willing to walk into their lives. Invite youth to talk to you about their spiritual lives. Let them know that you want to help them to walk closer with Christ. Allow them to talk with you about problems if they choose to, but always point them to Christ for the answers.

Discipling relationships are core to effective youth ministry. In a small church, you may not be able to produce programs that are as slick as the big church across town. You may not have the money to do all the things a larger church can do. But you can develop a ministry where adults intentionally seek to disciple teenagers by developing relationships with them.