Relationships

For Jesus, discipleship was relational. When he called his disciples to “follow me” (Matt. 4:19), Jesus was inviting them into a relationship with him. It was not a casual relationship but an intentional relationship. He was inviting them to spend time with him, learn from him, watch what he did, listen to what he said, and prepare for the ministry God had for them. Discipleship with the teenagers in your church should take on a lot of the same characteristics. Students need more than an hour a week sitting in your Bible study class. They need a relationship with an adult in whose life they can see the Gospel fleshed out.

Building relationships with teenagers can be a challenge. The truth is, it can be a challenge to build a relationship with anyone. I suppose that is why our country has such a high divorce rate. Investing your life in someone else takes time, and that usually means sacrificing things you would prefer to do. Giving teenagers your time can be tough.

Building relationships with teenagers can also be a challenge because teenagers may not seem to be interested. Most teenagers are hungry for an adult who will care about them, but they may not trust adults. How do you build relationships with teenagers? Here are nine things I think are important.

1. Building a relationship with a teenager normally takes time. Don’t try to rush it. Be a consistent presence in their lives.

2. Showing up at things like football games, band concerts, and school plays indicates genuine concern. Students may not say much, but they will notice.

3. Ask students about their interests. You will often get a grunt, a shrug, or a non-committal “fine” when you ask how cheer-leading is going, but students do like the fact that you ask.

4. Let them see that you are human. Don’t tell teenagers about everything you struggle with; they probably aren’t ready for that. But do let them see that you have questions, you fail, you are unsure at times. Also, let them see that you genuinely desire to see God at work in your life.

5. Talk about your faith and about Christ. Most non-Christian teenagers appreciate you talking about what Christ means to you even if they haven’t made a commitment of Christ for themselves. Plus, that is where the intentional part of intentional relationships really begins.

6. Invite them into spiritual conversations. Ask them to pray for you. Ask them where they see themselves spiritually. Ask them what struggles they have walking with God.

7. Spend at least as much time listening as you do talking.

8. Challenge them to be people who stand for Christ. Share with them ways you think God could use them . . . right now and in the future.

9. As your relationship with a student grows, be willing to lovingly confront them when they are unkind or unchristian. Use the sandwich technique: tell them something you appreciate about them, the thing you are concerned about, and then why you value them enough to tell them about your concern.

Most of us would not be where we are spiritually except for the investment of some Christian mentor. In your youth Most of us would not be where we are spiritually except for the investment of some Christian mentor. In your youth ministry, you have the opportunity to be that for someone else.

I spent last week hanging out with an amazing youth minister in Malmo, Sweden, Joel Sjovall. (Don’t even try to pronounce the last name unless you are Swedish.) Youth ministry in Sweden has its challenges. Teenagers in Sweden are often slow to respond to the gospel. They often lack spiritual background and are hesitant to accept the teachings of Jesus at face value. However, youth leaders in Sweden are deeply committed to Christ and are desperately sharing Christ with a generation they hope will turn back to God.

Joel introduced me to the Swedish word “Fika.” It roughly translates, a small meal. It is more than a snack, and it seems that the purpose is more social than nutritional. The food they eat for fika can be almost anything: a roll with cheese, falafal (a Malmo favorite), fruit with cream. Sharing fika gives people time to talk, laugh, and enjoy time together.

Perhaps by now you are saying: Thanks for the lesson in Swedish culture, but what does that have to do with youth ministry where I live? I’m glad you asked.

The message of Christ is desperately important. There is nothing we do as youth leaders that is more important than helping teenagers to truly know Jesus Christ. However, sometimes in our zeal, we may miss an important component of the message of Christ . . . the “one another” part of it. The Bible calls us to love one another, serve one another, care for one another, correct one another, and teach one another. At times in ministry, we may spend so much time as youth leaders talking that we miss the chance for teenagers to be with one another.

In Joel’s ministry, teenagers usually gather for fika before worship and teaching. Youth leaders sit among teenagers, encouraging them and listening to their hearts. Teenagers have time to tease each other and get to know one another. And sometimes, they do exactly what the Bible calls them to . . . to love, serve, correct, and teach each other. After the worship service on Sunday at Joel’s church, has fika together so members can invite guests to sit and talk.

Maybe teenagers in Oklahoma or Illinois would look at you funny if you told them you were going to start having fika before Bible study. But, I wonder: Do we need to be more intentional about helping teenagers to have times just to be with one another?

This week I am traveling in Sweden. I have a friend who leads a youth ministry in Malmo, near Copenhagen. Yesterday, while walking around town, I wanted to ask him if he wanted to get something to eat and decided to try it in Swedish. Instead of using the word “something,” I asked if he wanted chocolate to eat. He gave me an odd look and said, You want to get some chocolate? (Fortunately, he speaks fluent English.) While I have made worse errors in my life, it reminded me of the challenge of cross-cultural communication.

In most cases, the teenagers you minister to don’t speak another language. (I guess it may seem like they do, at times.) But there are cultural differences that influence your teenager and may make communication difficult at times. Sometimes what teenagers hear is not what we are trying to say. Understanding the words is not usually the problem. Understanding the context sometimes is.

Youth ministry means hearing teenagers, even when they are saying things that are hard to hear. Their language may define “love” through a provocative MTV filter. It may include a definition of “family” may be something caustic and angry. For some, the word “Jesus” may be equated with rules or may have little meaning at all.

So, how do we communicate cross-culturally with teenagers? We listen well. We teach with more than words. We depend on God’s Spirit to translate His Word into their hearts.

Early in youth ministry, I really thought my investment would make the difference for Christ in the lives of the teenagers with whom I worked. Some of the teenagers would tell you I was important to them. But I don’t think any of them were really shaped for life by my really cool Bible studies. In youth ministry, we play a vital role in helping teenagers to get face-to-face with Christ. However, research says the faith of most teenagers ends up looking a lot like the faith of their parents. The truth is, we may have more impact on teenagers by encouraging parents to live out their faith with passion in front of their teenage children. Unfortunately, a lot of parents see our only role is to make sure their teenagers enough fun at church that they won’t get in trouble with sex or drugs. Finding ways to build up and encourage parents can be a challenge. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Most parents truly love their children and want the best for them. However, a lot of them simply do not realize how vital their involvement in their teenagers’ lives is. When students come home, grunt at them, and lock themselves in their bedrooms, the message parents hear is: LEAVE ME ALONE. And a lot of parents do. Parents may simply want to keep peace in the house. Parents need to be reminded how vital it is that they communicate with their kids, that they set age-appropriate limits, and, perhaps most of all, that they listen.

2. Many parents of teenagers are in the sandwich generation. Not only do they have demands on their time to raise their teenage children–a task that seems daunting to many–but they may also be trying to help their aging parents. Add to that the physical and social changes in middle adulthood–slow decreases in sight and hearing, thinning hair and thickening mid-sections, decreases in muscle mass, and the realization that there are more years behind than ahead, to name a few–and you can understand why many parents feel stretched thin. Some youth leaders get frustrated because parents seem critical of the youth ministry. Try to hear the frustrations of parents through the lens through which they see the world. Many times, parents need encouragement more than anything else.

3. Lost parents need Christ. I know this sounds simplistic and it is not necessarily the youth ministers job to witness to every family member of every teenager who visits your church. However, your church needs to love families to Christ. The relationship you have with a teenage son or daughter will often give you a unique welcome into the home. Look for ways to care about and meet the needs of parents. Introduce them to others in your church who can continue that ministry. Be the champion at your church of ministries that will care for, equip, and encourage parents . . . whether you lead them or not.

Youth ministry is most effective when you are enhancing a faith that is being taught at home. Don’t miss the importance parents are to the life of faith their teenagers will develop.

By Nancy Hamilton

An effective youth leader can have incredible influence by placing bricks of positive influence in the lives of young women in the youth group. You may be a male leader. The girls in your group may be a little harder for you to connect with than the guys. The girls in your youth ministry have a basic core need: to be known, cared for, and loved unconditionally in relationships with parents, friendships, and godly role models. So, if you have girls involved in your student ministry, here are a few things to be mindful of as you strive to encourage, nurture, and challenge these young women:

1. Girls long for a male perceptive on matters relating to them.

As you know, girls and guys often times act and think differently about everything! Finding ways to interject godly wisdom on relationships and life direction into the lives of young women is important and crucial for them.

2. Girls long to have a healthy relationship with a godly man.

For many girls who do not have positive relationships with men in their lives, having a student minister who is focused on encouraging them to become the person God desires them to be could be instrumental in the life of a young woman.

3. Girls long to know that you care about their gender, not just the guys.

While girls in your ministry need to be ministered to and mentored by godly women in your church, creating opportunities where you as the student minister can demonstrate geninue care and concern within healthy boundaries will help young women know there’s a man who she is able to trust and desires the best for her life.

Nancy Hamilton ministers to girls and young women on the student ministry team at Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock, AR. To find out more about Nancy’s ministry visit www.fellowshiponline.com.

Years ago, I was a volunteer leader at this youth camp. In the training time they told us, “Don’t worry too much about the 7th and 8th graders. They really don’t have souls yet.” Of course, they meant it in jest, but some may wonder if that is not the truth. Middle schoolers can be loud, obnoxious, annoying, and gross. But, they are forming who they are and what you do in their lives could have eternal impact. As you work with the Middle Schoolers in your group, remember . . .

1. They are just beginning to THINK ABSTRACTLY. They will struggle with deeper thoughts and will usually avoid conversations that make them feel stupid. Middle schoolers love experiential learning because it involves discovering an idea before they can give it words. Don’t just tell your middle schoolers a truth; find a way for them to experience it.
2. SEXUAL FEELINGS are new to middle schoolers . . . and uncomfortable. Most of us laugh at the things that make us uncomfortable, so be gentle when your middle schoolers snicker at anything with a remote sexual connotation. Reframe sexuality as a gift from God so special it should only be shared with one person–a spouse.
3. Middle schoolers are trying to discover WHO THEY ARE. They are making decisions that will  determine what kind of adult they will become. They tend to “try on hats,” experimenting with what it feels like to be a different kind of person. Don’t stress too much when they are trying out new styles or new attitudes. However, help them to understand that solid identity is based on Christ.

Middle schoolers are great. They love to laugh. They can be incredibly loyal (to everyone but their parents). And they travel in herds . . . which makes outreach a lot easier. Use the years of early adolescence to point them to a real, vital relationship with Jesus Christ. Capture their hearts, their imagination. Challenge them to do great things . . . not in video games, but to advance the kingdom of God. And remember, we all went through those crazy middle school years. They will grow out of them as surely as we did.

What do you want to be when you grow up? It’s a question adults often ask children. My nephew consistently says he wants to be a Power Ranger. So, my brother is putting money away for Power Ranger School. Not sure what that costs. Increasingly, the same question is being asked of college students . . . and 20-somethings . . . and 40 somethings. A lot of us seem to wander through our lives with no sense of what we want to be. Robert J. Havighurst said that one of the developmental tasks of adolescence is selecting and preparing for an occupation. How do we help teenagers do that?

Our culture has changed and very few of us will hold one job all of our lives. Some teenagers are choosing not to go to college because they believe any vocation they prepared for would just be a stop in life for a few years before they went on to the next vocation. Many companies hire people for jobs that never existed before and then train them to do the job once they start. Choosing an occupation may be a more difficult task for your students than simply deciding they want to be doctors or firemen or preachers.

When I was graduating from high school, my pastor told me something I’ve come to believe was very wise. “Paul, God’s call is dynamic,” he said. “God may lead you on many paths. Your calling is not to a job, but to obedience to Christ.” I have found that to be true. After spending 8 years preparing for ministry in college and seminary, I was a local church youth minister for 10 years. I have served as a consultant in youth discipleship, a youth camp coordinator, an editor of youth ministry resources, and now teach youth ministry and educational leadership at a seminary. I could never have anticipated the path my life would take, but I believe God has led me to each shift in my vocation.

We don’t help teenagers develop their occupational focus by focusing on occupations. As odd as it sounds, I am not that concerned about whether a teenager wants to be a nurse, a foreign correspondent, or an entrepreneur. My concern is that they are passionately pursuing what they believe God has called them to do and be. How do we help youth choose and prepare for an occupation?

1. Help them to see that their highest calling is following God.

2. Join them in praying for what direction God is calling them to follow.

3. Lead them to identify their God-given gifts and talents. Help them explore what they are truly passionate about.

4. Encourage them to focus on the legacy they will leave with their lives, not the stuff they will accumulate.

5. Talk to them about choices they make now that will lead them toward the occupation (or many occupations) that seem to be God’s current direction for them. Encourage them to explore colleges that will equip them for the future, work experience that will help them to learn needed skills, and networks that will help them to find the right kind of positions.

6. Affirm the gifts you see in them. Often teenagers are hesitant to pursue big dreams for fear of failure. Help them to trust God to lead them into amazing ventures.

Youth ministry is all about helping teenagers to develop a passionate, life-long relationship with Christ. Being willing to walk with them through some of the developmental tasks can be great ways to guide them toward that goal.

Wherever you look in the media . . . television, movies, the Internet . . . you will find adults who are acting out the current stereotypes of adolescence: the mook and the midriff. Teenage guys love watching shows that feature the mook. He is immature, gross, and wiling to try almost anything. He lacks any moral center and laughs at any criticism. Is that really the way teenage guys act? Like most stereotypes, it is over-done and hardly captures the real heart of the people it lumps together.

Teenage girls are not usually interested in the mook, but they have their own stereotypical star . . . the midriff. She is very aware of her own sexuality at ever earlier ages and uses it to attract attention and get what she wants. Midriffs don’t need to be smart or athletic or capable . . . just pretty.

According to Robert Havighurst, one of the tasks of adolescent development is to learn how to develop appropriate relationships with both sexes. The images our culture provides for students of what relationships are supposed to look like are shocking in their lack of honesty . . . and fall far from the human relationships found in the Bible.

Guys need healthy relationships with guys. If you pay attention to television, most relationships between guys involve guzzling beer together, oogling girls, and playing practical jokes on one another. Okay, maybe an occasional practical joke isn’t too bad, but this is hardly the way the Bible describes the relationships among young men. The Bible calls men to “sharpen” each other, to push each other to be stronger in faith and truer in character (Proverbs 27:17).

Girls need healthy relationships with girls. Too often girls see their relationships with other girls as competition for the attention of a young man. A girl in my youth group once threatened a visiting girl never to come back because the rival attracted too much attention for herself. Girls need to understand their great value in God’s eyes and find support and encouragement from other girls rather than seeing competition.

Guys need healthy relationships with girls. While this certainly means that relationships need to be pure in the sexual sense, I think a healthy guy/girl relationship goes beyond that. Guys need to learn to understand life from a girl’s perspective and girls need to see things through a guy’s eyes. Relationships should develop into a warm brother/sister relationship in which the guy feels protective of his sisters and the girl wants the very best for her brothers.

So, how do we foster this kind of relational maturity among our youth groups? Small youth groups are great places for teenagers to really learn to talk, to care for each other, and to sharpen each other. Discuss what a healthy guy/guy, guy/girl, and girl/girl relationship looks like. Help teenagers to see that it is okay if girls tend to relate to each other face to face while guys tend to relate side to side. Lead students to make your youth ministry a place where people feel safe and protected and where they can practice building solid relationships with both sexes. Pray that God will break down pretenses and help your students to interact with grace and honesty.

The holiday season is a time of incredible joy. Between special events at church, families spending more time together, and the general sense of celebration in communities, Christmas takes on a very special place in the hearts of youth and adults. But Christmas may not be a great time for everyone. Christmas can be a time of serious depression. Some reports indicate that suicides increase during the holidays. And substance abuse may increase as well. Why?

Christmas can be a time of difficulty for a lot of youth. Some teenagers may associate Christmas with the loss of a grandparent, a parent, or someone else who is close to him or her. Christmas may be a reminder of the absence of someone they held dear. Because some teenagers lack the cognitive skills to process their loss, emotions may be overwhelming.

Some teenagers lack close ties with their family. They may desire to feel surrounded by the love of family, but find themselves in a home where they are abused—or worse yet, ignored. Single parent families can be lonely places for some teens during the holidays because the single mom or dad works extra hours to try to provide a special meal and presents for children. If the family has gone through a divorce in recent years, Christmas may accentuate the sense of loss the teenager feels at the fracturing of his or her family.

If you know that teenagers in your group have lost someone recently, or have lost someone around the holiday times, ask them how they are coping with the loss. Don’t try to force them to talk about things they don’t want to, but invite them to talk about their feelings of frustration, loss, and pain. If you know one of your students has a challenging family situation, spend a little extra time with him or her during the holidays. Talk about how to build new Christmas memories and new traditions each year.

Pay attention to the moods of the teenagers in your group. Yes, teenagers are usually moody. But if a teenager who is usually happy seems to grow sullen, or if a teenager who is often quiet suddenly stops showing up, find some ways to offer him or her support.

As your group celebrates Christmas with progressive dinners, gift exchanges, angel tree gifts, or food baskets for needy families, keep in mind that for some of your students, Christmas is a time when they need special love and attention.

We used to act like it was good enough to get teenagers to show up at church. At least if they were at our church lock-in, they weren’t at a beer party. For most of us, that is not enough. We know that real ministry with youth involves a deep relationship with a caring adult that points a young person to a deep relationship with God. We are believers in relational youth ministry. I just read Richard Ross’ new book, Student Ministry and the Supremacy of Christ. He challenges what most folks teach as relational youth ministry . . . and I think you will be interested in what he has to say.

The traditional approach to relational youth ministry is one-to-one ministry. It involves you, as a caring youth minister, investing in the life of a student. Not bad, huh? But the truth is, you cannot give students everything they need in terms of spiritual mentoring. Even if you had a youth group of one, you simply aren’t enough.

Ross has suggested that we look at youth ministry as a five-to-one relational ministry. Every teenager needs at least five adults who are pouring themselves into his life, pointing her to the Savior. Yes, you are one of those people. As a youth leader, your investment in the lives of teenagers is very valuable. However, they also need two parents who invest in their spiritual development. (Yes, many of our teenagers are lacking a parent . . . or two . . . with the spiritual heart to guide their teenage children. But finding ways to help parents to accept their role as disciplers of their teenagers is a huge issue.)

The fourth relationship the teenager needs, according to Ross, is a relationship with a small group leader. I know, for many of us in the small church, we are both small group leader AND youth minister. Maybe it’s time we increase our tent and find other adults who are willing to pour their lives into teenagers.

The fifth relationship Ross recommends is a prayer mentor. Every teenager needs at least one adult in the church . . . someone other than his Bible study leader, his parent, or his youth minister, that prays daily for him or her. As Ross points out, prayer has a way of weaving our hearts together so that a prayer mentor will likely become a deep adult friend for most teenagers.

Richard Ross has a number of suggestions for implementing THIS kind of relational youth ministry. Check out his new book.