Relationships

By Jane Wilson

Breaking up is hard to do . . . and that’s not just a song title. An easy break-up would go against teenage culture, as well as the basic nature of people. And when that break-up is within your youth group it can disrupt the whole group. In considering the “cure” for the situation, perhaps we should consider a few elements of prevention.

First of all, your students will date. And, if they are in their last years of high school, dating is not a bad thing. The concentration on just one person–the steady dating–is where a problem can arise. Actually, an opposite problem can arise when students “group date” well into college years and do not learn how to interact alone with the opposite sex and how to commit to another person. So, how can we take a typical rite of maturation (dating) and prevent it from causing problems and conflict among your students?

One preventive measure is to be sure your student ministry provides opportunities for gender-specific study and social activities. If your group is large enough to separate boys from girls in the Bible study hour, consider doing it. I prefer gender-specific Bible study groups throughout student ministry, but recognize that co-ed classes can function effectively in 11^th and 12^th grades of high school. Providing opportunities for the “couple” to be “un-coupled” can help lessen the shock (for both the couple and their friends) when the couple breaks up.

Another preventive measure is to begin now to create a culture of restrained conversation.  Proverbs provides admonition after admonition concerning the tongue, as does the book of James. In Proverbs 12:18, we are told, “There are those who speak rashly, like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (The Amplified Bible). Act quickly and decisively in all situations when you hear conversation that isn’t edifying, is harsh, is cruelly teasing, or is judgmental. Teach and preach about this topic and create “buy-in” from your student leaders and any adults who might spend time in your student ministry.

One other suggestion is to allow adults in your church to share with students about their own courtship and marriage. These living examples will show students the normalcy of the dating rituals and the breaking up that inevitably occurs. Adult leaders who have warm relationships with students can provide encouragement and support to those who are a part of the break-up, for they have walked that pathway themselves.

I once heard about a student minister who, at the beginning of camp or mission trip, reminded his students: “This is not a five-day date!” It is completely within your authority and leadership of your group to limit “couple time” during your youth group activities. And, of course, whenever excessive clinginess or affection presents itself, pull the couple aside and address it.

Remember: God wired us to desire the affections and connections with the opposite sex. Even when all the rules are followed, it is hard to sever the ties that are developed in a dating relationship. But, when through your teaching, your leadership, and the testimonies of other adults you can walk alongside students in these difficult times, you are preparing them for the inevitable “break ups” of their adult life as family relationships, work relationships, and church relationships sometimes go awry. And that preparation will make your youth group a friendly place for healing, rather than a minefield of gossip, taking sides, and criticism.

 Jane Wilson is the Youth Ministry Specialist at the Baptist General Convention of Texas in Dallas, Texas.

By Randy Fields

It’s Wednesday night and you are looking forward to a great time with your students only to discover that when Sally shows up, you sense a conflict between her and Jody. Conflict can find its way into any group at any given time, but in a small group it can have devastating results very quickly. While conflict happens, the best way to resolve potential conflict is before it ever begins.

As a leader of a small youth group, you have the opportunity to know your students very well. Use that strength to your advantage. As you talk with your students, listen for any potential conflicts that may be happening. As you help your group to mature encourage them to publicly affirm one another. Take some time every so often to just affirm every member of your group and let each student share something positive about each student.

Help your students focus on the strengths they have as a group and as individuals within the group. Encourage your students to grasp what the Apostle Paul meant in Romans 12 when he was talking about how each of us are a different part of the body. We each serve a different function in the body, yet we are still one body. Build into your weekly meetings an aspect of loving each other, praying for each other, accepting each other, and encouraging each other.

You may want to consider building a youth group creed with your students and allowing them to set the expectations of how they are going to treat each other. Copy and print the creed they have developed and keep it in front of them on a continual basis. While conflict may occur from time to time, you will be a much stronger and healthier group by practicing some of these ideas.

Randy Fields has been involved in student ministry for the past twenty-five years. He has a heart to reach youth, is a writer for Lifeway Church Resources, and is currently serving as the lead pastor of New Covenant Baptist Church in Grass Valley, CA.

By Paul Turner

Youth groups always have drama. It is just part of the DNA of being a teenager and so it becomes a part of your youth ministry. However, you can head some of that mess off. Since I sometimes have been accused of having the gift of sarcasm, I thought we might take a “tongue in cheek look” at How NOT to be a Peacemaker.

• Pick a student as “loser of the week” and make sure all the other students say mean and hateful things about him every time they see him. Encourage them to text them “loser” a couple of times/day.
• Pick sides in every argument. Be sure to tell the opposing side how dumb they are to think and believe what they do.
•  Tell students their parents are dumb and just don’t understand what it is like to be a teenager. Make sure you hold seminars for the students to attend on subject.
•  Whatever you do, do not mix Scripture into any discussion students are having. Only use your personal experiences. The Bible is outdated anyway, right?
• Tell the students you would like to paint the youth area/space/room but the adults in the church do not like them and want to punish them by making them stay in the worst rooms the church they can find.
• Never, and I mean never, admit you are wrong or have ever done anything wrong. Remind them that when they fail, they are the only ones who have ever done that. Maintain your perfect image at all times. Remind them how dumb they are to have made the mistakes they have made.
• Never return to the church on time after an event. Be sure to blame it on one or two kids for making you late. Make sure everyone knows it was never because of poor planning on your part.
•  Always threaten students with “I will kick you out of this group” just because you can. Fear is a great motivator and regardless if students are doing anything to warrant any kind of discipline, be sure to mess with them. All of their home situations are secure so you need to add some instability in their lives.
• Blame the students for everything. You have no faults.
•  Be sure to pick favorites in the group. Announce who the favorite is on the Internet, publications, and meetings. Be sure to change them around and don’t tell kids how or why they have fallen from the favored ranks.

I am sure that is more than enough sarcasm. I hope you get the gist of where I am coming from. Students need love, support, and a safe place. Choose to provide that for them physically, emotionally and spiritually. Save your sarcasm for the mirror. Punch yourself in the face verbally if you just have to spew it.

“The peacemakers are blessed, for they will be called sons of God” (Matt. 5:9).

Paul Turner is a husband, dad, and a youth ministry veteran. He loves encouraging youth ministers to partner with parents and help students know God, own their faith, and make their faith known. You can follow him on twitter @pturner63 or check out his musings at www.pturner63.blogspot.com

By Darin Wong

The martial arts phenomenon is an ever-growing trend amongst the circles of popular culture. With increased capital of such things as mixed martial arts, Jiu-Jitsu, and other traditional styles, it is very likely you have a few aspiring young martial artists budding within your youth group. The task then becomes a matter of finding a way to connect with and love those kids in a way that makes them feel included into your church family.

Martial arts was once thought of as a vehicle of eastern dogma. Most of the marital arts taught in America today is focused on core principles that are reinforce healthy values. Young men and women are taught principles such as modesty, courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control, peace, optimism, humility, and discipline. Not one of these principles is inherently bad, but they are incomplete without an understanding of Christ. The underlying assumption most martial arts schools take when teaching them is that this process will lead to a better individual and ultimately a better community. This is a great starting point for making a case for Christ, in that he espoused all these principles and more, but not simply for oneself but for the glory of God and edification of believers.

So then why do most young individuals join martial arts? Well that list is quite long and unimportant because what is really important is why they stay. Most students ultimately stay if they feel like they belong and are connected. When any student walks in the door they are given a greeting. I try and talk to or work with them at least 2-3 times each class. If they tell me something it becomes the most important thing that I have heard all day.  I do my best to memorize all of their names (I have over 300 students so it isn’t easy, but it can be done) or if they are new I introduce them to my “rockstar” students. In the martial arts school if you want to have students you have to be intentional. In the church if you want to reach students you have to be . . . well, you get the picture.

So you are thinking about using martial arts as a ministry tool? That’s a great idea, I know personally many godly men who offer martial arts classes at their church as a way to fellowship and instruct (in righteousness and self-defense). This is good for a couple of reasons: It is an interactive activity in which individuals must work together for a common goal, which builds community. Another reason is biological, the body releases endorphins following exercise, which change the body’s mood and can help bring focus when discussing or studying the Word. But it’s important to remember that you don’t have to start practicing the martial arts to connect with a student who does. You can love on them, and take a genuine interest in what they are doing. Maybe catch a practice or two, watching them in action. Then, post a proud Facebook status update. Relationships with students are a lot like martial arts skills; they take work and constantly need to be revisited to keep sharp.

Darin Wong is the head instructor of a martial arts school based in Sacramento, CA and is also on staff at the Ridge Church in Lincoln, CA where he and his wife lead worship. He can be reached by email at darin.wong@kovars.com.

By Paul Kelly

Sometimes talking to teenagers can be frustrating. At times, they develop a bad idea about faith, relationships, or life. They assume it to be true but it is actually destructive to their walk with God. Talking to them about it may be difficult, because they may be defensive when you confront those ideas. How do you begin to talk to them about an unbiblical point of view without alienating them?

I was in a conversation with a young man this week that got me to thinking about this. “I believe in God, Jesus, the crucifixion saving us . . . all of that,” he explained to me. “I just don’t get the church. You see all of these pastors driving around in Cadillacs and living in fancy houses. How is that about people knowing God? The church is really all about money.” Well, those of us in the church have certainly had our share of sins related to money, but I don’t believe that is the story of the church. If the pastor at my church was hoping for a Million Dollar house and a Lexus on the salary we pay him, he is pretty disappointed.

My first inclination was to reply, “Nuh-huh!” That would have been helpful, right? Instead, the Holy Spirit seemed to prompt me to ask a question. I asked, “How do you think a church should use the money they are given?” This changed the direction of the conversation. He mentioned things like feeding the hungry, helping needy, and letting people know about God’s love. That led to a conversation about things that happen when I give money to my church. I get to participate in disaster relief in California, church planting all over the nation, and mission causes literally around the world . . . as well as paying the light bill at my church. We could have had a conversation about what kind of cars pastors drive, but I don’t think that would have been helpful. So, because God is smarter than I am, I was able to recast the discussion into something that did feel helpful.

Recasting doesn’t mean that we change the subject; we just change the way we are discussing the subject. Let’s say that a student wants to talk about “how far is too far” in a relationship with his girlfriend. Maybe a discussion about what is okay to touch and what is not is warranted at some point, but that discussion always seems to lead to an argument over rules, not a growing commitment to Christ. Perhaps asking the question could recast the discussion: Why do you think God designed us to be sexual beings?

The adolescent brain is just beginning to stretch its new ability to think through things logically. That can be annoying to adults. Some of them want to challenge EVERYTHING. But, the answer is seldom in “fixing” their thinking by giving them the right answers. It is usually found in giving them a new way to think about difficult issues. I saw a Facebook post on a teenager’s site recently that said something like: Either God is incapable of ending suffering, in which case He is NOT omnipotent, or He is not willing to end suffering, in which case He is not compassionate. I am sure that seems like a logical argument to the student who wrote it, but can I recast it? Suppose  you are the father of a child you love very much, but who hurts other people continuously. What would you do? Destroy him? Isolate him? Remove part of his brain? What? We cannot know all that God knows, but we can trust  Him.

By Daniel Tai

Given the multicultural mix of the world these days, there is a good chance your youth group includes students with different cultural heritage. About 3.6 million Chinese-Americans live in the United States. Many of them are in ethnic churches, but many more are in all kinds of churches, including small churches like yours.

Of course, not all Chinese American students are alike. First Generation students are new immigrants. They are closely connected to their Chinese culture. Second Generation students are the children of parents who immigrated to this country. When connecting with a Chinese-America teenager, find out which generation he or she is. Cultural ties are strongest in the First Generation Chinese. They are less prevalent in later generations.

The tips below are just a few ways to help you understand and connect with a Second Generation Chinese-American teenager.  There are many more aspects of culture that affect them but these are the more common areas I have noticed in my own ministry.  Teenagers normally feel caught between the strong influence of their parents’ eastern culture and the western society of which they are becoming a part. Of course, every teenager is unique, but these ideas are common to most Chinese-American teenagers.

1.  Chinese-Americans are passive.

They will rarely initiate contact with a leader . . . or even speak up in small groups.  Don’t assume that, because they are not speaking, they are not listening.  They want to take in all the information first from the authority figure because they are raised to listen before speaking.  It will usually take a period of silence before they will finally speak up because they do not want to intrude on someone else’s opportunity to share.  Give them some time and sit through the awkward silence and they may speak up.

2. Educational success means success in life.

Chinese-Americans believe education is the key to success. If they do not succeed in education, students believe they will not succeed in life.  To receive A’s on a report card means “average” in a Chinese household.  Some students may be disciplined for an A-.  Unfortunately, discipline can take the form of restriction from church functions.  They are raised to ‘eat bitterness’ in high school while their peers are having fun and enjoying life.

With the high emphasis on education, Chinese-American teenagers will seldom be allowed to join a midweek Bible study but you can still meet with them outside of Sunday.  Most Chinese churches hold their youth group meetings on Friday or Saturday nights because the weeknights are reserved for music lessons, homework, and extra tutoring.  Asking a Chinese parent to take their child on a weeknight could spell disaster in your relationship with that parent.  Though parents may not allow students to attend midweek Bible study, many are open to their students spending time with youth leaders during the weekend even if it is just for a meal or a coke.

3. Chinese-American students may have different cultural expectations.

There are then a few minor things to know about the Chinese culture. While these are not usually crucial, they may save you some embarrassed moments with Chinese teenagers and their parents.

• When visiting a Chinese household, take off your shoes before entering through the doors.
• Places like Panda Express or P.F. Chang’s are not authentic Chinese food.
• When visiting a student at his or her home, be wary of the time. They probably won’t as you to leave. That would be considered because rude.
• Lastly, never ever mention that all Asians look alike.

Despite some cultural differences, Chinese-American students do not want to be treated differently than anyone else. Being aware of the differences may help you connect with them, but don’t single them out for special treatment.  Like any typical teenager, they just want to fit in. Though their approach to others may be slightly different, keep in mind Chinese-American teenagers need to know Christ and grow in their walk with Him. That needs to be your priority with them . . . just like the rest of your group.

Daniel Tai serves at Livingstone Alliance Church as an English Pastor to Second Generation Chinese Middle school, High school, and college students  in Hacienda Heights, California.

One of the things I love about youth leaders is that they love teenagers. You love listening to their stories. You wake up in the middle of the night with a student on your mind. You love to tease them, laugh with them, and see the light of Christ grow stronger in their eyes. Still, if we are honest, some teenagers are a lot easier to love than others. Some teenagers (like we adults) have annoying habits. Some of been so hurt by adults that they push everyone away. Others cling to adults until it becomes suffocating. Some students are manipulative and untrustworthy.

And yet you are called to love them.

Love is a choice. It is not a feeling. It is a decision to seek the very best for another. Some teenagers don’t deserve your love. Some don’t want it. Some abuse it. I believe we are called to choose to love them still.

Love comes from God. Human love is always frail and shifting. Only God’s love is pure and steadfast. When you are struggling to love a student, pray for them often. Allow the Spirit to teach you to see them as Christ sees them. Allow him to love them through you.

Love does not treat every student the same. It is interesting that Jesus gave some of his disciples experiences and teaching others did not get. Only Peter, James, and John joined Christ on the Mount of Transfiguration. (Well, Elijah and Moses showed up, too.) You will invest more in some students than others. I don’t think that is wrong. That is how Jesus modeled ministry for us. But Jesus gave all of his disciples an investment of himself . . . not just his teaching, but himself.

I’ve often wondered what it was like for Jesus on the night he was arrested to wash the feet of Judas Iscariot. Surely Judas was hard for Jesus to love. And yet . . .

My mother has a little sign hanging in her kitchen saying, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all.” She laughs about how she finds herself doing and saying the very things my grandmother used to do and say . . . things that once annoyed her. Perhaps her little sign bears more truth than that. Recent research indicates a strong correlation between the faith of parents and the faith their children will grow up with.

As a youth leader, you are an influence on the faith of your teenagers . . . but you are not THE influence. Statistically speaking parents are the strongest influence on the faith development of their teenage children by far. For better or for worse, when it comes to their teenage children, what parents are is what they are likely to get.

So, if parents have such significant influence on the faith of their teenagers, why don’t parents try to make more of a difference?

Being a parent of a teenager is a challenge. It is easy for those of us who have never raised children to be frustrated with and critical of parents. Perhaps it would be more beneficial for us to understand the challenges . . . and then figure out how to help.

Five Challenges of Parenting Adolescents:

1. Teenagers need the loving input of their parents . . . but they tend to push parents away. Teenagers have a growing desire for personal space and privacy. They want the opportunity to think things out on their own. They want to feel like they are an autonomous adult. Their grunts when parents show interest and their frustration when mom was “in my room” give parents the idea that their teenagers don’t want parents in their lives. It’s not true. Teens crave loving input from their parents. But it sure feels true.

2. Parents who are middle-aged, or quickly approaching their 40′s, have some unique stressors on their own lives. They are often sandwiched between the needs of their teenage kids and their aging parents . . . all at the time when their bodies are beginning to slow down.

3. The role of parenting during adolescence becomes confusing. As children, parents knew their job. They were to teach kids right from wrong, protect them from things that would harm their kids, and show them how to live life. Parents were the respected source of authority to their children. But that all changes in adolescence. Teenagers challenge the authority of parents, push them to defend their ideas of truth, and scoff at parents’ desires to keep them safe. The truth is, teenagers are becoming adult and parenting a teenager demands a whole new set of skills. Parents need to become more of a mentor, challenging youth to think more deeply rather than just giving them easy answers. It is a shift in responsibility few parents manage easily.

4. Parents of teenagers must balance responsibilities, freedom, and limits. Most parents get that. The problem is finding the balance. Most of the time a parent doesn’t realize she has given a teenage child too much freedom until he has abused the freedom. Establishing a new limit is tough. The crazy thing is, the correct balance is different for every teenager.

5. Teenagers need to see faith reflected in the lives of their parents. of course, that is really hard if the parent is not walking with Christ.

So, how do we help?

1. Make sure parents know we are on their side–not on their side against their teenager, but on their side for their teenager.

2. Pray for parents. And let them know you are praying for them.

3. Never criticize a parent (or a parent’s rules) to the teenage child. If teenagers complain to you about their parents, remember: you are only getting a skewed view of the situation. Encourage the teenager to find ways to talk to her parents about her frustrations.

4. Include parents in youth ministry experiences at times. Look for ways to help parents to talk about faith in front of their kids.

5. Remind parents of the great influence they have on their teenagers. Encourage them not to give up when their teenagers push them away. Encourage them to keep the dialogue going.

Once in a while, you experience those huge, powerful experiences in ministry with teenagers. I remember a summer camp in which God simply fell on the group and we spent hours praying together. I was so concerned about just staying out of God’s way as he did what only he can do. Watching teenagers minister to others on a mission trip we spent years preparing for is a huge blessing. The big moments in ministry are incredible.

However, I’ve come to believe that the most valuable things in youth ministry are the little things. A quick phone call to find out how the test went that you prayed over on Sunday. Showing up for yet another high school version of “Grease” because one of your students has slicked his hair back to sing in the chorus. A smile and a nod across the room when one of your students slips into Bible study late.

The little things say: This is not just a job to me; I really value you. The little things create a sense of relationship. And maybe the little things are hints that God cares about the little things–hurts and joys and anxieties–of our lives.

Youth ministry in a small church is not really about the lock-in you plan for 20 teenagers . . . and then have 6 show up. The Bible studies are important, but 10 years from now, your students probably won’t remember anything you say. More likely, they will remember that you came to their games, wrote them a note, or gave them hugs when they were hurting.

“Loneliness comes in two basic varieties. When it results from a desire for solitude, loneliness is a door we close against the world. When the world instead rejects us, loneliness is an open door, unused.”

The quote was written by science fiction and suspense author, Dean Koontz. I wouldn’t suggest Koontz is a great theologian or a good youth ministry theorist. But this quote has caused me to reflect. Perhaps we have two kinds of lonely teenagers in our youth groups: those who push people away and those to whom no one goes. Sure, teenagers tend to run in herds. Most of them are surrounded by other teenagers . . . at school, church, on teams, in clubs. And yet, Chap Clark characterized teenagers of this generation as Hurt (Baker Books, 2004).

Recently a student in my Lifespan Development class made a case that the one significant need in the lives of teenagers is love. Teenagers may need other things (like truth, empowerment, and the occasional new pair of basketball shoes), but I think the student was not far from the mark.

For the teenager who has shut the door to the world to escape the constant meanness and pressure, perhaps love looks like a cautious knock at the door . . . a request to be trusted friend even though many friends have proven unworthy of trust. And perhaps it is a knock we try again and again until the student cracks open the door.

For the teenager who waits behind an unused door, perhaps love looks like an intentional step into his or her world.