13 Lessons I Learned from a 13-Year-Old

Lesson 13: Be Real!

Don’t be a Pinnochio. Don’t lie. Don’t be wooden. Don’t let anyone pull your strings. Be real . . . with real emotion, real mistakes, real life.

Real people make a real difference in the lives of students. Being the real you will foster real sharing between you and the students. Students are engaged and interested in authentic people who are open about their life and struggles. I love what a local church here in Birmingham prints on their literature. At the bottom of the page the words, “Preaching the gospel to ourselves, our community, and the world.” We have to preach to ourselves first.

I can’t stand gas fireplaces. I know they are more efficient. They don’t have the sound or the smell or put out the same amount of heat. There is no work involved. No hands on a dry log. No fingers wrapped around bark. No popping of sparks. In fact, I think we should rename gas fireplaces, “flameplaces,” not fireplaces. There’s no fire, just a blue-orange flame that smells funny. I’m not a fan of artificial flowers or fruit. Fluorescent lights aren’t the same as sunlight streaming in through the window.

None of the other 13 lessons I’ve written work without this one. If students can’t trust us to be real, they will never let us get really close to them. They will never be able to put confidence in what we tell them. Students don’t need to know all of the details of your past. They don’t need to know everything you struggle with. But they do need to know that you are real. They need to know that you failed . . . and God continued to show you love and use you. They need to know that you struggle to follow God just like they do. If students are going to have a genuine faith, they need to see a picture of genuine faith in you. Be Real!

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

Lesson Twelve: Their size is a big deal.

In Junior High sports, size plays a huge part in success. Many smaller players I have coached were depressed by their height because it limited their abilities. They are extremely self-conscience of their lagging growth. One player told his mom he wanted growth hormone shots. He told her he felt like a complete failure. I know players that are talented athletes. Their form and technique, their passion for and knowledge of the game out-shined many other players. Their hearts were huge. They worked extremely hard, but their size kept them from starting positions.

Students are trying to fit in. They are forming their identities. They want to be accepted and are trying to find success. Students who are early bloomers can stick out like Goliath in a kindergarten class. Late bloomers can look like Gary Coleman playing with the Lakers. Our society values bigger, stronger, taller young men. Tall, dark, and handsome is the measure of a desirable man.

Girls, too, can be troubled about their size. A girl can feel that she is too skinny or not slim enough. Her feet might be too big. Her nose may be to large. She doesn’t look like the magazine cover. News flash: nobody looks like that. It’s called airbrush magic. My sister has struggled with her image for many years starting in the awkward days of junior high.

Size is forefront to the thoughts of students as they strive to define themselves. Downplay the importance given to size and image. Highlight the size of the heart. Let students know that you are more excited about what can be accomplished with heart than size any day. Be sensitive to size issues but affirm big hearts!

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

Lesson 11:  You are who they see, not who you think they see.

If you have been in ministry very long, you have probably had a few days in which you questioned your success. Maybe you doubted your effectiveness. Maybe you doubted yourself as a person. I have those days fairly often. We give, encourage, build, teach, speak, love until we are dry and empty. We need what we give. We need to hear the words of affirmation. We need to know we are loved and valuable.

In those times, it is easy to put on a front. We end up trying to project a facade of someone spiritual, someone who has his or her life completely together. The funny thing is, students don’t really care about our super-spiritual projections of ourselves. They care about who we really are to them–personally.

This seventh-grader was assigned by his English teacher to write a poem about a hero of his choice. I am a big fan of Daredevil and Batman and I would have expected him to choose some bigger than life, fictional character like that. But this student wrote about me. I’m nobody’s hero, let me tell you, but it was flattering and affirming. How did he picture me? Not like I see myself. In one line he described me as muscular. I am grossly out of shape. He noticed my hairy arms and called me “part ape and part Arnold Schwarneger.”

Students view of you is a reflection of the relationship they have with you. And it might surprise you how they see you . . . the good, the bad, and the hairy.

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

Lesson 10: See People For Who They CAN BE.

I heard a youth speaker say something like this once and it made a big impression on me. Jesus did this. He didn’t see a short, corrupt tax collector in Zacchaeus. He didn’t even see a wee little man. Jesus saw a man hungry for a Savior. Zacchaeus was so passionate about seeing Jesus that he climbed a tree. When Jesus was thirsty and hot, he didn’t see a woman, of a different race who had slept with quite a few men, he saw a person of value worthy of discussing the deepest meaning of life.

In the 1980s, the Contemporary Christian song “Innocent Eyes” was written. It talked about seeing people without judgment or prejudice. God calls us to see potential and possibilities. That’s what he sees in us.

We need to see students for who they can become. Do you see a lazy, overweight guy? Do you see a rebellious gothic girl with dark eyeliner, spiked hair, and black clothes? Coaches look for athletic talent, but I love those players who surprise everybody with their dedication and effort. When God looks at the students we touch, he sees children he loves. He sees the inside not just the outside.

The Old Testament tells us that “Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.” Look to the heart!

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

Lesson Nine: Tell YOUR STORIES, Not Someone else’s.

I love stories! I love to hear and remember real personal stories that speakers and pastors tell. I can’t stand those generic preacher stories. They are like e-mail forwards; they make me want to delete them without hearing them.

Kids love stories even more. Students I have known love to hear my real life stories. Our lives are pretty exciting. It is a gift to be able to capture the best and most interesting moments and then relate the events with excitement and humor.

There is a gift of storytelling to be sure, but everyone has stories and real life examples of lessons they have learned. Apply what you are teaching by using true to life examples that you have seen or taken part in. People will listen. Students will be hanging on your every word.

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

Listen! They do!

It may seem like students aren’t listening to us. I often have been proven wrong on that. Students will recite verbatim something I said in a bible study or some story I told. Sometimes I don’t remember what I said . . . but they do.

I’m afraid sometimes they do a better job of listening than we do. More than anything, students want us to listen to them. Listening to people shows how much we care about them and what they have to say. But good listeners are hard to find. It’s not natural. Our tendency is to give a token listen for a few seconds. We usually use the time to formulate our next thought. Then we vomit our thoughts on the nearest set of ears.

The Bible teaches us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Listening requires us to put aside ourselves long enough to consider someone else. What is she thinking? What is he saying? What is she feeling? Stephen Covey had a popular book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. One of the habits he suggested was “seek first to understand, then be understood.” Oddly enough, understanding helps you to be understood.

Teenagers have something to say. We should listen.

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

BUILD UP or Shut Up.

You are in a position to do more than influence students; you can help construct–to build up–young men and women. Don’t give in to the occasional temptation to destruct . . . to tear down. Berating a student because of poor behavior or a bad attitude is easy to do. The challenge is to let the student know how he has erred, and equip him and encourage him to make better choices.

One of my lifelong friends recently asked me to help him knock out his old bathroom so that he could remodel it. We were ripping and tearing, swinging hammers and crow bars to take out the old room. Destruction is fun for the destructors. But, when he went to put in the new room, he called his friend who was a professional handy-man to do the construction. Anybody can destroy, only the skilled can build up.

Work on your youth ministry construction skills. It is true: sometimes we need to use the sledgehammers of corrective words. However, if you are not going to speak the restorative words to build the student up, you should not saying anything. Youth leaders, teachers, coaches, ministers, and parents have been placed in the lives of students to help them mature into healthy and constructive adults. Choose your words wisely and let’s get to building!

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

GO the EXTRA MILE With Them, It’ll Make Them Smile.

When I started in student ministry, I learned quickly that being in their world payed dividends. The church is a great place, but most active students spend around 50 hours each week at school in class, in sports practices, and at games.

There are hundreds of students at school. The local school is the best fishing spot for a fisher of men. I keep wondering why the church isn’t sending members who love teenagers to sit in the stands at soccer games, band concerts, and cheerleading competition.

I started working with youth when I was at college. When I wasn’t in class, I was out at the games to support the students of our church at their baseball and soccer games. Now, as the leader of an independent discipleship ministry with students called Bigtime Ministries I continue to make that kind of ministry our passion. At the core of our beliefs is that student ministry primarily happens when ministers spend time where youth are . . . and that is most often on a school campus. Being there when students show up at church is important, but going the extra mile means showing up at their schools.

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

Lesson Five: Don’t Be a Thug; Let ’em Give You a HUG.

I know this football player who used to come sprinting over after practice or during the school day to lay a vice-grip clinch around me, hugging me in front of all his peers. He wanted to give me a hug. He wanted to show his love! At first, I worried how it would look to the other players, to the other coaches, and any other bystander. I even shied away from those innocent attempts to show his feelings. I honestly thought I would be fired if someone saw me letting a student hug me. So, how do you handle it when a student wants to give you a hug?

At some point, I decided to embrace the embrace. It just felt wrong to give into the politically correct mythology of our modern day. I don’t think we can live our lives in fear of being too friendly with students.

There are some checks that need to be in place, for sure. Our own motives are important. So is what we communicate to students who hug us. But some of us are more concerned with trying to maintain the Mr. Tough Guy image. It can be tough for us to communicate genuine love to students.

I later found out that the parents of the student I mentioned above were divorced. He rarely saw his dad. Some of the students around us are affection deprived. They need a man to show love in a pure and affirming way. With divorce being such a big part of the family landscape these days and workaholic dads rarely around to show love to their sons, many students only receive that basic human touch from their mother. Not only do they not receive healthy doses of affirming love, but many are learning and trying to figure out how to give and show love. We need to teach them how to receive as well as give love.
Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.

Lesson Four: Take Time to Play. It Paves the Way.

Another tool in building bridges to students is to remember to enjoy life. Enjoy people. Enjoy the teaching, coaching, or parenting experience. Some of my favorite times with students have been playing a game with them . . . tennis, ping-pong, football, basketball, golf—whatever we can do together. When you play with them, they feel valued.

Last fall, on a guys retreat, some of our ninth grade guys slipped down to the lake and took a late night dip. Some of the students told me they were down there. I made my way down there to tell them to head up to their cabins. When I arrived, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to run in to the frigid water with them before sending them to their cabins. In that plunge into the lake, I connected with them in a way I never had before.

The connection you get with students when you choose to play with them allows you to have a voice in their world. We’re not playing only because we like to play. Though we may get accused of trying to regain our lost youth, that’s not really it. The play enables opens doors for us to share the message of Christ with them . . . and have them hear it. You may still have to be the adult that sends them back to bed, but at least you’re wet with them when you do it.

Zach Skipper has spent over 12 years working with students. He has served as a youth minister, speaker, and bible study teacher. He is currently leading Bigtime Ministries while part-time coaching at one of the country’s leading Junior Highs in Birmingham, AL. To find out more about Zach’s ministry, contact him at www.bigtimeministries.com.